Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day…?

I admit, I’m an old romantic. Films such as Dirty Dancing, Titanic, Notting Hill and Love Actually turn me into a gooey lovesick pup! As well as the idea of dancing in the rain, running through long grass and kissing in the sunset with the one who takes my breath away and makes my heart sing. I always dreamed that one day I would meet this amazing person who wooed me, lusted after me and swept me off my feet and we would live happily ever after with not a care in the World.

I was often so engrossed with finding what the movies perceived as the ‘perfect’ partner, that I failed to notice the positives in the relationships I did have. I instead focused on what they weren’t providing me with, or what we were missing that the couples in the movies had! I’d seek out these ideals in others’ relationships and compare them against my own. But I was not alone.

I have realised through talking with others, that quite a lot of us believe the grass is greener on the other side. However, on the other hand, there are many who perceive their relationship to be straight out of a Mills & Boons!

Constantly comparing our own relationships to that of others,  is a terribly dangerous habit to have for a number of reasons.

Why cant you be more like…

Firstly, if you have been guilty of comparing your partner to your ex, or your best friend’s partner, (or even a movie character!) it goes without saying that your partner will start to feel a little fed up and resentful. It is worth while remembering that everyone is different and unique. No two people are the same. Therefore, they are obviously going to differ to your ex or friend’s partner. It is also worthwhile putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and seeing how you would feel if you were constantly being compared to another. Pretty frustrated I would imagine! Constant comparisons can lead to jealousy, resentment and feeling of not being good enough, which could be detrimental to the future of your relationship.

Ours is a cut above the rest…

There is also danger in always thinking that your relationship is better than others. This can lead to insecurity in itself, as you can be so focused on making sure you stay at the top of the ‘relationship leader board’, that you fail to really enjoy the relationship. You may also ignore or gloss over issues, rather than acknowledging and dealing with them. This will only cause cracks in the relationship, that will gradually widen and deepen. Putting your relationship up on a pedestal will cause a real shock to your system if and when something does go wrong.

No relationship is perfect

We are all different and all have our own sets of values, priorities, tolerance and requirements when it comes to relationships. What one couple may perceive as being fantastic and wonderful, might be hell on Earth for another. As individuals we are unique too, with differing opinions, beliefs and desires. Therefore, within a relationship, there will be disagreements or challenges. This is completely healthy as how can we learn and grow as individuals, or as couples, without challenge? Mr GodMuma is one of my greatest challengers, but he is also one of my greatest teachers. For many years, I questioned our suitability as he is so very different to me in so many ways. His idea of a romantic song is “Love me like a Reptile” by Motorhead!  However, I am now incredibly grateful, for he has taught me to be myself, believe in myself and stand up for myself despite any opposition I may come across. Our differences actually compliment each other. Without challenge, we would stagnate.

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you  ~ Author Unknown

Behind closed doors

Couples will usually portray only the best parts of their unity when in public. They will gloat about how amazing their partner is and how unique their relationship is. On the other hand, they may complain or moan about what a sorry state their love life is in. If you compare your own relations, based upon what people have told you, you are only getting part of, or one side of the story. What goes on behind closed doors can often be a completely different story!

Accepting our partner’s flaws

Every person in every relationship has flaws, not just your own! I believe that the flaws we see in others are a mirror reflection of ourselves, whether past or present, and that if we look within ourselves, we will find that at some stage we have demonstrated that flaw in one way or another. Say for instance, your partner says something spiteful in the heat of the moment, which leaves you feeling hurt and disappointed. Before you retaliate or run off to phone your best pal to tell tales, take a moment to remember a time in which you may have said something you didnt really mean, that really hurt someone you cared about. It may not have been an intimate partner you hurt. Perhaps a family member, friend or even your child. When you have found that episode, recall what fired you up enough to speak so harshly. How did you feel just before and after?  When we hold on to anger or resentment, we only punish ourselves in the long run.  This exercise not only helps you identify why your partner has reacted in the way they did, but will hopefully help you understand and forgive them a little easier. And remind you they are only human…

Time to let go?

If you genuinely feel unhappy in your relationship, or are with someone who abuses you physically or mentally, then of course you need to decide if it is in your best interest to remain with that person. Your personal growth may be hindered by staying with someone who has such a negative influence over you. It may be that a temporary break to give you time to rebuild your strength, your personal worth and your belief in yourself is all your relationship needs to progress. Only you can make the decision ultimately.

Fall in love again…

In any case, we should take the time to be thankful for all the positive qualities your partner possesses, how good they make you feel and focus your energy on everything that is great in your relationship. There is always lots to be grateful for! By focusing on the positives, we will attract more of their best qualities into our lives. (I can vouch for this completely. Since beginning this exercise in my own life, I appreciate Mr GodMuma more than ever and our relationship has gone from strength to strength!)  If you practice this on a daily basis, you may find yourself falling in love all over again, and you should start to realise, that in fact, the grass is definitely not greener. In fact, your pasture is abundant in the rich green stuff!

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams” – Dr Suess

Instead of comparing and focusing on how other people live their lives together, redirect your thoughts and attention to your own relationship. When we try to be something we are not, or act in a way we think people perceive as “the norm”, we will struggle to find happiness as we are not being true to ourselves. This applies to relationships too. When we accept that every partnership is different, because every human being is different, we will start to appreciate how truly original and unique and special our relationships are.

Maybe relationships aren’t like they are in the movies. But maybe they are better! Whatever they are, they are what you make of them. Stop comparing your relationship to others’, and just be happy and secure that it is right, and perfect, for you.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  “Pooh!” he whispered.  “Yes, Piglet?”  “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.  “I just wanted to be sure of you”  ~ A.A. Milne

Love and blessings

Fairy GodMuma xxx

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